Hard to Swallow Part 2

                                   

                                         My Current Health Story Part 2.

31 October - Its been a tough couple of days as we get ready for my meeting with the surgeon today  to discuss next steps in what we need to do to rid of this cancer that's unwelcome and life threatening. It's strange really in the garden yesterday sweeping, watering and generally cleaning up my sweat smelt like the 'shit' thats in my body.

4 November - The meeting was at 3pm (31 October), the location was Mt Waverley, Monica was leaving work at 1.30pm and I was driving to Syndal Station from Seaford to meet her just after 2pm. 

Syndal Station, wow, 3 storey car park, parking surrounds filled, heavy traffic, heavily populated and preferred suburbs and surrounds for many. That's fine but for me I need to be near the beach, I'm a cancerian, how bizarre. I'm there at 2pm found a parking spot to wait for Monica. I'm a little upbeat knowing yes this is cancer and it's real but I'm sure the surgeon can dig some if not all of it out.

Monica arrives 3-4 minutes later and we have a coffee, a chat of expectation and head down to the clinic.

Into the waiting room, more forms and after a wait of 15 minutes or so the call comes, Charles Coy, yep that's me again, so down a short corridor we go into a very clinical surgeon's room.

I pull out my brief and page of 24 questions and are asked some preliminary information of when I first experienced the difficulty of swallowing. So I chatted on like scared parrot, babbling to the point where I could see this surgeon staring out the window and had other people to see and wanted to tell me my fate as he saw it.

He doesn't barrack for Collingwood and probably thinks the MCG is another clinic somewhere in Melbourne and really needed to move to his next appointment where the waiting room was overflowing with those clinging onto hope from his call on their situation for now and in the future.

So I asked the question what Stage are we at?  Stage 4 without any hesitation came the damning response, Monica said she physically saw my heart drop to the floor and not bounce back. His script read the Primary source (oesophageal cancer) had sent tumors to my liver that are too many spread far and wide for surgery to be effective. He did say that the cancer had been evident for many months and had been deceptive and hid at times from previous scans and xrays I'd had for pneumonia and purpura. That was a little hard to take.

At least and I say with some hope not despair that it's progressing slowly, but really who knows.

He had no futher answers, there was to be no surgery, he referred me to my new oncologist, identifying PET Scans and Chemo as the next steps. Thanks, the questions I had were not for him, unlikely he could answer them anyway, sure he showed me a video of the CT Scan and markings on my liver to confirm what he delivered to me, really that's all he had, so we left.

We hit the Monash 4pm traffic, what a mess that is, though it didn't really matter,the shock was till in the air, in my head and in my body and now in our car.

We were home at around 5pm and without much hestation strolled to the beach, sat on the bench,  maybe not stunned, but silent, aware though of what we had been told.

It was a difficult night, we didn't sleep we just lay there and came up with words to try and express how we felt. Some, likely most you can imagine, so there is no real need to repeat them here.

Friday arrived and I wanted to get on the front foot, the unsurity this thing completely obliterating me is the true heartache, the despair at night and all the little things that happen in your body you are just so aware of, like never before. Every moment counts to when the treatment starts.

I rang the office of my new oncologist and they had not yet received my file, however saw my name on a list and were able to book me in for Wednesday 6 November. They were receptive and so helpful and understanding, my anxiety was peaking, putting normal clear thinking at a distance they told me Dr Benjamin Markman was my appointed, I googled him. He seems the perfect fit, he has a history of being aware of new trials, new procedures and I believe has recently returned from Sweden being informed of the latest methods in dealing with the cancer I have.

Over to you Ben, see you on Wednesday, help me extend and do the things I love doing, mainly living.

The weekend just past held no new revelations, just further realisation of what we are dealing with, accepting (though I never will) what is ahead of us, learning to deal with my anxiety and getting on with life as we normally do.

I'm so lucky Monica is a Yoga teacher, we've done a series of sessions that have helped me deal with my emotions, loosen up a stiff neck and keep my body agile. Along the way in particular with the well-being aspect we discussed getting to know this person called cancer that's disrupting and threatening me. So we needed to find a name, we initially had the 'Colonel' but for some reason Ive settled on calling it 'Carlton'.

A nemisis in football terms to my side, but because of that respect comes into play, competition is healthy. I'm competing against it so I need to understand it, talk to it so maybe we can come to an agreemeny,in my favour. I know this seems odd, perhaps ridiculous to some, but this is so fresh, so damning, breeding despair I'll look for and consider anyway to deal with this better.

Today I called the Cancer Council, spoke with a cancer nurse, so understanding, so helpful, gave me information including a link to a booklet on my cancer diagnosis.

They also advised me of links to some worthwhile podcasts, Monica had already suggested this last evening so it was high on our to do list, just learning of the experiences of others and the support mechanisms they used, so all information helps. I guess I just needed some calm voices to understand how they dealt with the intial shock of discovering cancer in your body.

So I got out my Bluetooth Headset (thank you Astrid) charged it up and away I went, the podcasts were really helpful. Just people who were as shocked and anxietous as I am, how they dealt with it and outside of family and friends identified support groups that are out there that are really so close and willing to offer any assistance to ease the moment and calm the mind for what's next.

Whilst writing this blog today, I received a call and email advising met on Friday morning at 7.30am my PET Scans begin, they are done over some 3 hours, so I would think I would of been explored enough by then to establish how much chemo I'm going to have.

This week is filled with hope, the unexpected and on some days high anxiety where I need to train my mind better to have control over what may feed 'Carlton' to power more damage. 

Part 3 will tell us more about where we are at, looking forward to seeing Dr Ben go to work.

I'm a bit calmer today, nights are tough, don't know what happens when I eventually go to sleep. I'll get better at that, I need to.

'Out in the summer rain we will begin again...'

Charles