Blog #9 - Title; I'm spun, but not undone. (Reader awareness, this blog carries some baggage)

The 7th infusion has come and gone (19 February) and this being the third of the 'heavier' doses I'm suitably exhausted, however entering the recovery mode to commence regaining strength. My strength, my cells awakening from the flood of devastating power the chemo brings.

To date this is the hardest blog to write not for any reason other than sparking some home truths about feelings, emotions, expectations, fears overcoming them with positive actions, breathing exercises, some stretching, yoga and Netflix.

It is and it was the crossroads of self esteem, what does that really mean..?  Am I depressed, maybe a little, emotions flow quickly but I regain composure as quick as I can, or as quick as I allow it to be quashed. Which in itself is a couch job with a mental health expert. Though I do believe I've got the gears to speed away from those depths. That's where support from family, loved and cared for friends  joins in, by the grace of anything I'm glad they do. I think about the journey to date and are grateful you are all still here with me.You are incredible!

Haircut or no haircut; this was a one of the simpler crossroads, I had my 5 weekly appointment with the sensational Ricoh (the mountain bike rider) whom with his wife Kim manage and own 'Fringe Dwellers' in Young Street Frankston.  My appointment time was 4pm, I emerged from watching a film about the Stones and their tour of South America and Cuba. I must say the Cuban girls know how to dance to 'Jumpin' Jack Flash'.

It was 4.02pm so I thought I'm too late to go; I knew with some hair thinning occurring it needed to be shaped but I thought who do I need to impress. Then a flash of self worth crossed my mind and I said to myself I need to impress me. Then I can look myself in the mirror with positive thoughts again and start with impressing Monica, because she heads my cheer squad and then others that surround my life.

So I rang Ricoh and said I'm late, but I can be there in 10 minutes, all was ok and I sat down in the wash hair chair, it was 4.15pm, Ricoh played a big part in shaping my hair and the days to follow with confidence, self esteem and ready for some public eye. mmmmm. Your so Vain (Carly Simon) what the heck, no it was just a box to tick of the levels required to marry up to my normal self esteem, you could say the next box was to iron a shirt, it's all the same with any gain that makes me feel better about myself.

I also recognise that its the Cancer looking to bring me down physically and mentally, wipe me away, but these little steps that I took brought back my self worth and willed me to look to get back to the things that I love. Next in the mode is to celebrate my dear friend 'Cookies' birthday this Saturday, with a visit to Colac to celebrate my brother-in-laws birthday on Sunday and enjoy the Stellar Short Film festival at McClelland Sculpture Park next Saturday, things that got lost on me, but a Haircut decision brought self esteem/self worth back into being.

Hopefully a return to Rotary this week, I miss my brother and sisterhood, camaraderie and the opportunity to thank the members for their wonderful and humbling support they provide for me.

I'm going through a myriad of emotions as the importance of this latest chemo blast nears a mini crossroad. Come Monday we have more scans upper body, brain and warm coloured fluids again toying with me. The results will be revealed on Wednesday 26 February with Dr Ben my oncologist.

So we find out what's in sight do we have progress with some dismantling (love that word) of the tumors or do we deal with what's out of sight. Either way the 8th infusion will go ahead. Though I suspect with the unusual or maybe not, heart and brain scans along with upper body may well determine the next log of treatments.

That's where Dr Ben's mind is set I believe.

So I've regained some identity in all this and it's a hurdle I'm sure other cancer sufferers have confronted but I'm happy to have turned that page.

What have I been listening to....

Current Stand- Kids in the Kitchen
People- Mi Sex
Waiting for the Sirens Call - New Order
Four Seasons - Vivaldi
Go Betweens Live in London
Unknown Pleasures - Joy Division
Years of Refusal - Morrissey
Yeats- Waterboys

From my Magpie family man Luke, 'I have a therapist. Her name is Music' ...

We'll update once the scan results are known, so we greet each morning with refreshed enthusiasm and thank it for coming along again...

I am what surrounds me. Lucky to have what I  have.

See you on the Flip side.

Love from me

Charles..xxoo